Happy For Once

I'm starting to feel like all of my self-hate is caused by me caring too much about what people think of me. People have told me this in the past, and they're right. Sort-of. There are some things I really care about as part of my affirmation, but I dont want to be gross.

That said, I care if I pass. I care whether or not I've been accepted as a girl, and I don't want to be mistaken for some sort of a drag queen or drag enthusiast; I honestly think the whole thing is gross and a detriment to trans acceptance overall.

Beyond that, I'm honestly just happy that I pass for the most part. It drives me insane to know I'll never totally be female; I will always have a male upbringing, I will always be scarred with dysphoria and rejection, and I'll never be able to carry a child without an excessive risk of complications, but the little things really do count when it comes to progress.

I think this is the first time in a while that I've been able to be honest with myself about that. I think it has something to do with the fact that my dad's actually coming to help me. I feel remotely accepted. Maybe he'll be ok with me being trans. Maybe he'll accept me as a girl. I shouldn't get my hopes up too much, but I know he wants me to be safe and happy. He cares about me. He loves me.

I don't care about the LGBT movement. I like that they're lobbying for me, but that's literally it. I'm transitioning from male to female, not male to MTF. Transitioning isn't the destination, it's the journey. Eventually, I'll get ... somewhere. I should really set a goal for myself, because I don't want to get obsessed with surgery. I feel like a girl in private, but I'm not confident about it in public.

So where does it stop?

It all stops when I'm content with the way I look. If I'm being honest with myself, without considering the opinions of others, I feel significantly better about my body now that it's feminized at ALL; however, if I can continue to be honest, I would love to get rid of my shoulders, my trachea, my jaw and my brow. This would be to make myself happy with a more pleasant body, aka for ME and ME ALONE. If I had it my way, I would've been born a girl, like I said before, periods, pregnancy scares and all, but looking like one and living as one will likely be as close as I'll ever get.

I was feeling really good before I started writing, but now I feel like I'm super alone with these issues. I'll always be plagued with it, and it will always remind me that I was completely rejected by my mother for being a girl.

It stings a lot, and I feel like it always will, no matter how much I accept myself.

Anyways...
I'm hoping to do more posts each month, but I may end up slowing down as school kicks up again and the stress increases. We'll see how things go.

Thanks for reading,
~Charlotte